You know how every horoscope for the year talks about how you’ll manifest your higher potential or transform your emotional patterns into a brand new persona? Well, you and I both know that the chances of those things happening every single year are very slim. Sure, you may feel the urge to commit to your self transformation for a few days but, with a basic human right being taken away every month by our government, you’re probably not that focused on reaching higher planes of consciousness.
If 2018 taught me anything is that you can never set your expectations lower. So, with that, here are your disappointing horoscopes for 2019. Read for your rising sign, sun sign, and moon sign and, as with life, prepare to be disappointed.
Also, this article is partially satirical, so please don’t take it that seriouly.
Aries: Stressed
You’re going to be working a lot more this year but there will still be someone, mainly your boss, who is still unsatisfied. If you’re your own boss, you’re the one who is unsatisfied with yourself. You always feel like there’s more to accomplish at the end of the day and that’s why you can’t get to sleep at night. This year, you learn to answer work emails and solve complex problems that should be left during working hours while trying to get a quick dinner of spaghetti with canned sauce in before you start your meditation routine that’s supposed to be helping with your level of stress.
Basically, you’re high achieving this year. There’s no way you can possibly be lazy so you should probably stop worrying about that one right now. Even when you decide to pencil in some fun time, you want it to be fun that develops you as a person and helps with your career. Just make sure that, by the time the year ends, you still have your sanity left.
Basically, you can’t do everything even if you think you can. You’ll learn to disappoint yourself in 2019 and still come out on the other side alive and kicking.
Taurus: Institutionally Used
Your piece of disappointing reality you get to learn this year is that there is no institution that was made for you. All institutions want to do is collect social capital and benefit their own. You get to find out that they will take advantage of you if they can get away with it and that they will do so with a happy smile on their face.
If you’re still looking at higher education with the expectation of self development, please lower your expectations. You’ll get a diploma, debt, and years of emotional and cultural trauma that will motivate you to become that bitch with a vendetta. Any quest for institutional validation will tend to work against itself for you this year.
In 2019, use your own social capital wisely. No one else is going to. Otherwise, you’re going to be used again and again and you don’t want that.
Gemini: Horny
You’re just super horny this year, all year. Sorry, there’s no way around it. You should probably work on your Tinder profile now, or whatever you use, or find some other way of perfecting your pick up game. Have something lined up for yourself on all days of the week. Learn from Samantha and accept no calls when it’s your day to mastrubate. Trust me, this will do wonders for both yourself and those around you.
There’s no reason not to improve on every aspect of your life using all of your sexual energy. Channel that sexual frustration into furious dish washing, working out, and even walking the dog. It’s all about how you use it. Your loved ones will truly appreciate your robustness when you use it towards a good cause.
Well, Gemini, hate to break it to you but 2019 will be humbling in terms of your ego. Your personal vigor will be so strong that everyone will see how horny you are this year. And, yes, they do find it gossip worthy.
Cancer: Love is work
Love will be disappointing this year if you still dream of finding your one and only sole mate who understands everything about you without you telling them anything, who saves you from yourself and provides for your every need. But that’s always been the case. It’s just that, this year, you’ll likely have to confront those fantastic expectations and realize that reality offers something very different.
You’ll have to do the work in your own relationships this year, Cancer, and that’s disappointing because you wanted a ready made fairy tale. You’ll have to manage boundaries and that’s disappointing because you wanted a boundless love. You’ll have to ask for respect and that’s disappointing because you’re a bottom.
Sorry, Cancer. Sorry that you don’t get to have a borderline D/s relationship with an emotionally perfect and materially successful dream partner who leads you out from despair. Maybe, however, this is for the best.
Leo: Overburdened
You’re going to have just too many commitments this year, and I mean that in all kinds of ways. This year, you’ve got overlapping time commitments that just won’t work out and you’ll find yourself rushing to a meeting while on speaker call with your nephew’s piano recital. However, the real commitment conflicts this year come from ever many relationships. It’s when you have to call your wife because you forgot that it’s her birthday while on a date with the boyfriend of your last lover that you realize you really need to make some changes.
It seems like everyone wants a bit of your time this year and whether you’re poly or just a cheater, you are in love with all of them. Get it together, Leo. You may have all the love to give but you can only fuck one at a time. You don’t have time for all of this and your body can’t take it either anymore.
2019 is about priorities, Leo. Sorry to say it but it’s about finding out that you’re not a romantic super hero. We all have limits and so do you.
Virgo: Lonely
You feel a little lonely this year. Sorry, not a little. A lot. You spend your time at home decorating and moving furniture around trying to cope with your feelings with some fucking privacy but this will not work. You’ll want to visit your family but will get annoyed at them because they’re exactly the same as when you were a teenager and you still have that existential dread of dying alone when you fall asleep at night.
The thought of going out and meeting some new people will seem incredibly daunting but you have to just do it. Learn to flirt a little, even if that feels like chewing cardboard for you. Make some new friends with different interests than you usually have and don’t rule out trying new things before you start them.
2019 is about actually expressing your emotions, Virgo, which you hate doing. That’s why you feel so lonely. There’s only so much safe on your own processing that you can really do without going crazy in your insular bubble.
Libra: Just move
It’s probably a good time to move out from living with your parents. They’re getting as frustrated as you are and this year comes the breaking point. You’re about to become truly estranged if you keep this up, and by this I mean sleeping in your childhood bedroom and not doing a single thing to fix the years of toxic emotional pattern building that was your childhood.
If you don’t live with your parents, great! You still need to move. Your room is too small, your roommates are dirty, or there’s a ghost living in your bathroom. Whatever the case is, you’re not happy where you are anymore and you’ll do anything to change it.
You may be displeased to find out that, no matter where you go, you’re still yourself. That’s right. 2019 is about learning to live with the self you already have and that’s disappointing.
Scorpio: Misunderstood
This year, you have a lot of people yelling at your because they think you don’t know how to communicate. You’ll forget to email back and wonder why you need to make your feelings understood at all when, excuse you, you’re busy just feeling them in the basement cellar you call a bedroom privately for the last two weeks thank you very much. All your life, you’ve lived with the assumption that you don’t need to communicate your feelings because everyone can see them already since they’re heavily scruntinizing your face for signs of facial expressions at every moment.
Sorry to say it, Scorpio, but that’s just not true. No one is scruntinizing you. No one cares how you feel until you make it known. No one is researching your comment history and trying to guess your emotional narrative based off of it. You can stop being paranoid now but you also have to figure how to show people you’re happy or sad by smiling or crying.
The disappointing reality of 2019 is that gang stalking is not real. You’re not so important that everyone is judging your emotional state behind your back. Actually, if you want to make your emotional reality real, you have to do that work.
Sagittarius: Broke
It’s really time to start worrying about the debt collectors that call your phone every morning instead of using that as some kind of wake up call. You’re too busy browsing online articles about how to wake your third eye to feel like you can pay off your utilities bills and face your credit score.
You need to get it together asap. If you don’t, some kind of big economic blunder is going to force you to see things another way. So, apply for food stamps, start a payment plan with Con Ed, and pay back all the people you owe money to. Once you do this, you’ll start doubting whether you really need that polyester sweater from Forever 21 that says BINCH on it because you’ll finally have some priorities.
In 2019, you may feel disappointed because it’s all about creating some semblance of security in your life. Yeah, no, that’s not very fun.
Capricorn: Isolated
Yeah, you know how you usually just isolate yourself for three months out of the year and call it winter? This year, you’ll be applying that same mentality to the entire year. You don’t want to go outside. You don’t want to see your friends. What friends? You have plenty to keep you occupied by yourself. You have your work. You have your day job. You have a book that you’ve been reading.
Basically, the whole year will feel like how you generally do January. You have plenty of unread notifications and messages that you don’t feel like making a phone call of your own initiative for quite some time. Now is a great time to start smoking weed. You’re at home a lot and there’s little risk of being socially paranoid.
2019 is about getting comfortable with your own company. If that feels disappointing, then you’ve got a disappointing personality and it’s time to make yourself a little more interesting.
Aquarius: Insomnia
You’re going to find it even harder to sleep than usual this year. Your normal tactic of just staying up until you collapse from sleep deprivation will not work this year because you’ll have all these gnawing sensations of things you’re afraid to emotionally confront attack you anytime you have some quiet. You may have plenty of quiet but hardly any peace. You’re haunted by people on social media who seem to be doing the things you wish you were doing but will feel too tired to actually go and do them yourself.
Basically, you have to face your ambitions of what you want to accomplish in the real world. Do you want people to respect you? Then stop claiming to be a professional conspiracy theorist in all your social encounters and then wonder why no one knows about your professional videography expertise.
2019 is about taking yourself seriously and you don’t do much of that currently. Once you owe up to your worldly ambitions, then you can finally start working on them and get a good night’s sleep in the meantime.
Pisces: Too much attention
Your friends are not out to get you. They’re not looking at your lifelong dream of being famous and scoffing in their private group chat about how worthless you are. They can barely deal with everything that’s on their plate. What makes you think they’re out to get yours?
Actually, beautiful things will happen to you this year, Pisces. You’ll receive recognization for your accomplishments. However, every single time you do you will get steadily more paranoid that other people are not actually supportive of you and are stealthily talking shit about you. You’re just not used to getting so much attention.
You should really only be worried about this if your longer term goal is to kill all your friends. If they really care about you, they won’t judge you, or will only do so to your face. And you’ll receive quite a bit of that too. Your friends will tell you if something you’re doing is not ethical or good for you. Hopefully, hearing it from the horse’s mouth makes you a little less worried about social judgment happening behind your back.
