Everything is good! Except mutable.

The Chinese blogger Han Han tells a story about a friend who drives around town without a license plate and, instead, with metal placards on his windshield that say “Beijing Police,” “Hall of the People,” and “CPPCC.” When Han Han asks his friend whether it’s okay to drive around in an unregistered vehicle while impersonating a government official, his friend says “watch this” and does an illegal U-turn in full view of a police car. When the police ignores the behavior, his friend scowls and says that “He’s not getting the hint. Normally, the dumbass would stop the flow of traffic so I can make a turn.”

I want you to think about this story in March, as the Sun exalts itself in Aries, Venus dignifies itself in Taurus, Mars exalts itself in Capricorn, and Saturn (finally!) continues to dignify itself in Aquarius. Meanwhile, a retrograde Mercury slinks back into Aquarius around mid month but spends some time in antithesis in Pisces while a Jupiter is in fall in Capricorn.

Everything is very good in March! Shiny—operating with dignity, glory, and honor! Except for the mutable signs, it appears. Those guys are either moving very slowly or in ways that are contrary to their own nature.

Before you point and laugh at your Gemini, Virgo, Pisces, and Sagittarius friends (Ha! Ha! ...ha), however, remember that we all have mutable shit in our charts. We all spiral about certain things at certain places and certain times.

The reason why I want you to think about Han Han’s story all March is because I want you to ask yourself this question: If I could do anything I wanted and I would get away with it, then what would I do?

Don’t think you know the answer to that question yet, because you don’t. Honestly, no one’s answer to that question is ever creative enough. I don’t want you to be satisfied with some fucking uncreative and typically taboo answer to this question like “I’d kill someone” or “I’d rob a bank.” I want you to spend the entire month of March figuring out what you can actually get away with and I want you to find such fantastic answers to this question that you blow your own brain hole wide open. Then, I want you to figure out what you actually want to get away with.

Then I want you to actually do it.

You see, all these planets in their nice signs mean that you can do whatever you want. That Mercury and Jupiter stuff means that it’s not the right time to understand how or why right now. You’re going to be confused because confusion is the only state where you learn anything. Don’t try to figure out why you want to do something just yet. Just trust yourself for a hot second and do the thing that you want to do. Really believe that you can do it, because that in itself is actually hard work. Then, just allow yourself to get away with it. No self punishing or self deprecation allowed. Only glee.

There are only two questions to consider in March:

If you can get away with anything, then what would you do?
Why haven’t you done this thing yet?

Pisces

Why do you throw your valuable ideas and great loves away? Do you really feel like you don’t deserve to have them? I know that possession can often feel violent, especially if you want someone or something so badly that you’d bleed for them but nowhere in the Bible does it say that you, specifically, are condemned to a martyr’s fate. You deserve to have, if anyone deserves to have.

Too often, you play in worlds that you don’t want to call your own. “I don’t belong here,” “This language isn’t mine,” “This isn’t my subject,” you tell yourself. Fuck it. Today, all the worlds you flit through are yours. Science doesn’t belong to Latin speaking people in white suits—it belongs to you. Technology no longer belongs to colonizers—it’s yours. The culture that your elders told you that you don’t understand well enough was yours the moment you came out of the womb already feeling old. Now that you possess all of their ancient and modern tools, what do you want to do with them?

Aries

Why don’t you look the way you want to look? Why do you allow yourself to walk around in need of a haircut, with dried boogers in your nose, and with clothes that don’t convey your style? Is it really because you’re too busy or tired or is it because you want people to underestimate you and because you’re afraid of what would happen if you allow some people to estimate you as high as you wish they would?

Confidence isn’t your issue. The same way you can feel shitty and look nice, you, as an Aries, are somehow perfectly okay with looking shitty while feeling great. This kind of behavior has to stop. I don’t just mean issues of aesthetic. I mean the way you like to cut yourself down in front of people just because it’s a thrill when you challenge them to lose respect for you. If you truly believe that you are fantastic, then let someone else have the pleasure of believing it too.

Taurus

You’re more mischievous than you allow yourself to seem. That’s okay. Just because something is a part of you, doesn’t mean that you need to let everyone or anyone know. Keep your mischievous secrets. Just spend slightly more time in your head thinking about the ways in which you could possibly troll another person. You’re meant to have a sense of humor even if that sense of humor is slightly morbid.

Did you notice that someone at your job took a really big shit this morning? Did your child try to cuss you out but mispronounce the swear word? Did you glimpse someone else’s hero complex before they were ready to see it themselves? It’s alright to keep these things to yourself and to just crack up internally. Funny things keep you loose and save you from taking stuff too seriously.

Gemini

On youtube, there’s a bunch of meditation videos that guide you through a journey where you meet your future self. Get high, lay down in a dark place, and listen to one. Like those fairies who give us quests in Neopets, your future self has a challenge for you. They won’t give you a key but they will give you a paintbrush. What you decide to do with the paintbrush is up to you.

There’s no reason why you can’t become your best future self right now. Everyone underestimates what they can do in five years. Your job this week is to speed up your future projecting process on the yearly scale. Don’t wait to become someone who you could easily become right away.

Cancer

What would you do if you could be 100% sure that you will be the best at whatever it is you want to do? Why aren’t you sure that you’re the best? You’re only competing with people when you mimic things that are not yours. Why don’t you try realizing that there is no one in the world who is capable of doing the work that you’re meant to do besides you?

You’re not anyone’s standard. Everything in your life that has brought you into your current moment, doing your current work, creating your current project, has to do with the specificity that is you. There’s no competition for you because you’re on a path of your own making. There are no rivals here. All you have to do—make sure that, whatever is it you do, that you do get it done and that you do it well.

Leo

Say the thing that you just said under your breath a little louder. About what things are you scared of complaining because you’re afraid of alienating someone whose approval you may need later? Honestly, fuck that self who thinks that they need anyone’s approval to enjoy their own spectacular-ness. You’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing, which is showing people exactly how it is that someone can speak their mind and still enjoy all the love that the world has to offer because of it, not in spite of it.

People respect you because you will never witness foul play without saying a thing. It’s time to start taking this skill of yours seriously. The people who allow you to speak for them are your loved ones. And you’ve got a lot of them.

Virgo

Why don’t you just fuck who you want to fuck? And, believe it or not, I don’t mean this is a sexual way. I mean, if someone doesn’t deserve your time of day, then why do you keep giving it to them? Stop trying to figure out people who disgust you. Stop using your magic to put spells on people that don't matter to you. Stop trying to prove your influence with self violence.

Make sure that your desire makes sense. If you desire messy and complicated emotional entanglements, ask yourself whether these entanglements actually make sense to you or whether you’re just enthralled with the poeticism of living amongst disaster. Stop trying to hold yourself back in complicated ways. Just be basic for once.

Libra

There’s no sense in trying to pretend to be someone else, no matter how hot you think they are. Why don’t you see yourself the way you were meant to be seen? There is no gender weird enough to contain your specificity. You are simply too great to be described with any less than a hundred allegories. Maybe you’re a green slug during mornings, sticky and waiting. Maybe you’re a shadow sometimes, blue and cool.

What gender would be if you could be any gender if the whole world? Picking a gender is about picking a cultural container. You can be a tom, a P, a warm and kind hearted boy, or thin and flimsy masculinity with a large pulsating femme heart inside. You can be whatever you want. Pick and choose the way you want yourself to look when you look in a mirror.

Scorpio

Why don’t you spend your time the way you want to spend it? You have so little time and so many social, work, and personal obligations. Do you really want to work on your project or do you want to see your mom? Do you really want to see your mom or do you want to work on your project? Do you really want to go out or do you want to work out?

Your task for March is to be so sure that you are spending your own time precisely the ways you want to spend it that you never leave a second for regretful thoughts. In order to do this, you have to practice a little self trust. There’s a large chance that, just when you think you’re wasting your time, you’re really gaining an experience that will bring you your best memories.

Sagittarius

Do you want someone close and leave, apologizing for it? Do you want some space and force yourself to commit, saying sorry a million times? Do you look at televised relationships as a guide as to what is supposedly normal in a relationship, as a guide as to what you’re meant to desire? Why don’t you just love the way you want to be loved?

Make everything simple again. No more emotional dilemmas where you’re unsure of whether what you’re feeling and what you’re doing match up. If you feel the urge to bite someone really hard, just ask them if you can do it without batting an eye. If someone else asked that of you, wouldn’t you at least give it a try?

Capricorn

The concept of home doesn’t have to be as complicated as you’re making it. Home is just the place where you take your pants off. It’s not your chamber where you sit and ruminate on all the tasks that you have to do or the second office where you get all the stuff that you couldn’t get done at work done. It doesn’t have to be the place where you fight your family. Home is just where you feel fine about farting loudly.

Get simpler about what you call home so that you can get a sense of comfort at least once daily. Get a little mischievous about where you get your comfort. Go to a public library and make it a second home by taking off your shoes and scattering your belongings everything. Take a nap out in public. If you can sleep somewhere, then why wouldn’t you?

Aquarius

How many times have you sat through a conversation about a topic that you really didn’t care about, forcing yourself to listen? How many times have you overheard some people talk about a thing that you absolutely love, feeling too strange to take part? How about we reconcile these two situations?

Go on. Show off all that goddamn knowledge about some obscure topic that you’ve collected over the years. Maybe it’s about a kind of inane subject, such as the exact tropes that shounen manga tend to follow or all the different types of plant life that are indigenous to California. If it’s inane and impossible to follow, then you’re likely to have done your research. Don’t hold back. Let your otaku self shine. If you do, you’re more likely to meet a fellow conspirer.