How To Break Up With The Signs

Nov. 25, 2018, 12:06 p.m.

This is a do and don’t list based on what sign your ex is, not what sign you are. Now that the Venus Retrograde is over, maybe we can all get a few laughs out of this. Can be used for your ex’s rising, Sun, or Moon sign.

Aries

Just tell Aries that you don’t like them anymore. They will break up with you and forget about you the next day.

Taurus

Offer them an incentive. Point out how much money they could save by being single or how much more stuff they could fit into their room if you move out.

Gemini

Make the break up official, final, done and cut off all contact. Chances are, when your ex is a Gemini, there’s been twice as much going back and forth on whether you’ve broken up, how to break up, or whether to break up or not for twice as long as the actual relationship. After you’ve FINALLY done it, make the decision final. No more going back and forth. Geminis love that shit. And you’re done with this one.

That’s right, your Gemini ex might try to flirt with you, keep in contact with your friends, etc. Don’t read too much between the lines. There isn’t that much there, to be honest. Just a curious Gemini tinkering around with what could happen. Let them troll themselves, not you.

Cancer

Your ex will want to savor every last moment of breaking up, of all its pain. They will wallow for a bit. Don’t make the mistake of joining them in wallowing together about the demise of your relationship. Do use humor as your shield. Make jokes about your times together and laugh about what a bad decision it all was. It will save you from Cancer using their pity party to suck you back in, even if they themselves don’t really want to.

Leo

You don’t break up with Leo. Leo breaks up with you. Give them something to break up with you about, such as a blatant sign of disrespect like forgetting to text back multiple times or saying that someone else is cuter than them.

Virgo

Don’t overanalyze the relationship with them, delving into all its rights and wrongs. Virgo will enjoy this more than the actual relationship. Instead, offer them a singular, compelling reason why the two of you should be over and done with. Don’t get too complicated with your reasons. A single fist delivers more impact than a thousand tiny pricks.

Libra

A Libra will want to keep in touch with you, but only as friends. Be clear about what you want. If trying out a friendship feels too much like getting back together for you, then don’t make that move.

Scorpio

Hide! Delete your Scorpio ex from all social media, even if you’re still talking. They will stalk you and check in on your virtually if they’re able to do it. It’s better for them, not just for you.

Sagittarius

Bye! Sagittarius has been itching to go out that door from the first time you asked them to wash the dishes.

Capricorn

Stop working together. Whatever you need to do, including sabotage or a new career path, stop working with your Capricorn ex. Now, as I say this, I realize that all of us at some point or another work with our Capricorn exes. You will probably, at some point in your life, end up doing it. Don’t do it.

Aquarius

Just stop contact. An Aquarius will ghost you no matter how long you've been together. Offer them the same respect they’re willing to give you.

Pisces

Don’t. Just wallow in the discomfort of a relationship that has been broken for years forever, until Pisces cheats on you with someone else. Then, take a break but get back together when Pisces decides to cheat with you instead of on you, rinse, and repeat over and over again.

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